I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
