I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Randomize
