You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
