Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
