overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
