plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
