toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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