OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
