I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
