Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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