my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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