I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
