Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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