Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
