i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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