yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
