just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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