I should be sponsored by Trojan
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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