he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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