if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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