I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
