He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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