Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
