I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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