Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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