Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
