Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
