Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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