Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
