Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
