so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
