look no pants
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
there's paper in my vomit.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
