They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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