My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
