Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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