so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
