I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
