No stitches, just platelets and will power
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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