I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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