I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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