so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Green mimosas i think yes
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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