Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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