Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
