guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
