my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
