oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
