There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
