So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
