Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
