can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
