Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
